Mer-MAN

The engine was on scene for report of a gas leak. Soon after their arrival, they called for a medic unit for an "unconscious patient" in a bedroom. We responded.

I'm not sure if the "unconscious patient" regained consciousness prior to our arrival, or was conscious the whole time. Suffice to say, when we arrived the "unconscious patient" was transformed into naked-guy-covered-in-poo.

Now, this gentleman was laying on a bare mattress in his room. It was cold out, so he had the oven on and the door open to heat the place. He was yelling at the engine crew and trying unsuccessfully to maintain a seated position. The man may have had a *bit* to drink today.

Our conversation went nowhere.

"Sir, why are you naked?"
"Who are you?!"
"I'm a paramedic. How are you feeling tonight?"
"Where are my pants?"
"What color are they?"
"Who are you?"
"Are we playing the question game?"

It turns out we weren't. Our patient had to come with us (he clearly couldn't take care of himself on his own) and so someone found a black pair of sweatpants for him.

His efforts to put them on were less than successful. He'd line himself up with the pants, bit his lip in concentration.....and in one quick motion shove both legs into one leg of the sweatpants. From there, he'd fall back on the bed and flop for a moment like a merman from the sea of poo. Repeat twice.

We finally intervened, only to realize the pants were as covered in poo as he was. One hospital gown and some awkward assisted steps later, he was on the pram.

The gentleman had only one request before we left for the hospital--his Louis L'Amour novel, so he'd have something to read.